(could it be, maybe) I’ve never been able to hack it when people hinge their hopes for happiness on me. I loathe being depended on emotionally like that. It’s one thing to love someone, to care about them or to want to fuck their brains out. It’s another thing altogether to expect someone to be your everything.
It’s kind of a big responsibility to shoulder. I commend anyone who tries it, even more so if you’re successful. Yet people who want someone to be their world throw it around like it’s no big deal.
Oh, that person didn’t work out, maybe this one will. Oh wait, nope, back to the first person. Someone I used to know was the same, his family never gave a crap about him, aside from his brother, his grandparents and an “aunt” who wasn’t really an aunt. The closer you were to him, the worse he treated you. I was the first, his Aunty second, his brother third in line on the shit list. The rest of his family he gave money to, bought clothes for, helped out in almost every way possible. They never had to deal with any of his insecurities which they had all had a hand in creating. He took them out on the people who loved him most. The more you loved, the more you copped.
I was like Laila Ali. Dodging, ducking, weaving all over the place. You can’t catch me if I don’t want you to. I can’t bear that burden, it’s too much. So maybe I’m weak, maybe I’m afraid and you may be right. But I don’t care.
It’s not like I’m not honest and open about this stuff during a “courting period”. But for some reason everyone think they’re special and that they’re going to change my mind.
WRONG.
Relationships are a huge deal for me. I don't just throw myself head long into a fling and called it “a relationship” just so I can change my Facebook status away from single. Recently, a friend of mine told me that her "friendship" (at least that's how she put it) with the guy she's seeing went only so far outside of a relationship, but in the mean time she had three boyfriend. Fine, I respect everyone’s personal decisions but apparently, dry spells don’t last long.
To me, this behaviour demeans the point of having a relationship. Relationships are no longer special or a big deal to her. She’s also rather attractive, so any guy with questionable morals is going to go out with her for a week, fuck her stupid and dump her arse.
There’s this kind of mentality that seems to be directed in my direction that, if I’m single, automatically I’m looking. That being single is some kind of six foot hole that I should desperately be trying to get out of.
SO NOT TRUE.
I’m not looking for someone to make mine, to suffocate. I don’t want to own, or be owned by, anybody. I have other things in my life, I have strong family ties, I have mon petit prince, I have few (i don't need more) friends who cares about me and I cared about, I have music, I write, I read. I’m a geek, I bake, I sing (terribly, but i don't really care). I like having alone time. I don’t want to be with someone who’s only interests in life are me. I shudder at the thought.
I understand everyone has insecurities, shit I’ve got a million, but taking them out on the people who are trying to just get close to you is just wrong. You don’t *need* any one. If you *want* someone, hey good luck, but you need to reassess your outlook on love if you’re a fiend for attention, or whatever you’re looking for.
I'm just saying, don't take this personal.
Good night.
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