all of this was just an act, for what, what is it in for you? .... I'm just trying to understand your motives here,  you growth your own lies surround me and put the blame on me. yes I am talking to you, this one dedicated specially just for you mister.

And here I am again. I somehow really like to come here sitting alone at the same spot, sometimes just reading a book or maybe doing some meaningless writing like this one. and since I come here quite often,  the guy behind the counter knows exactly what I'm about to order. The same tall strawberry frappuccino, extra strawberries and chocolate chips, no whip cream. if you wondered why even bothered to come here for some reading when I can read my books at home in my cosy bed, and I can bake my own cupcake, well "strawberry frappuccino", that's the answer ^_^

To my right there was a sweaty business man. God knows why someone that sweaty would choose to drink hot coffee, yet there he was. Then there was a young woman sitting by the front window of the shop. She was nicely dressed, and was reading a fashion magazine. She was drinking tea and eating some kind of fruity salad. Probably on a diet - I thought. Behind the young woman's table, there was a slightly older lady. She was severely overweight, and I suppose she came here to sneak in a few treats. I was watching her munch down a large slice of chocolate cake (an ultimate calorie bomb), when I noticed the gym bag by her feet. I couldn’t help but chuckle quietly to myself; it was quite ironic. On the other side of the room there was an overweight teenage girl, who couldn’t take her eyes off the lady eating the cake. She was with friends, and while they had all ordered different kinds of frappuccino, she was drinking water instead. I could tell she wished she had the courage of the cake-eating lady. This girl could never allow herself to eat in public.

I spent another twenty minutes watching and drinking my frappuccino before I left. On my walk (new temporary) home I thought about the games we play. Who are we fooling? What’s the point of putting up all these acts? It seems we live our every day lives to fulfil other peoples expectations. It somehow depressed the living hell out of me. well I guess that's enough entertainment for me today.

xoxo J

They are walking through the lively trees, weaving along the dirt path to avoid the plant life on the ground. Heat surrounds their bodies, but the beautiful reflections off the creek bring to her a realization. She pauses and gasps. He turns around and questions her reaction.

‘It’s summer…’ she whispers. It was a moment of realization. The combination of cloudless sky, gentle waves rocking on the shore, knee-high grass and soft clay dirt make have finally kicked in to their full extent. She grows an immense smile, understanding the true change of the seasons. Pure joy emanates from her as excitement takes control of her. Giggling and satisfied with feelings indescribable still, she continues forward.

He continues to wait for her to catch up. On attempting to skip ahead of him, she is held back by his reach. In her momentary surprise, she had forgotten the nature of their company together. But the slow touch of his hand brought her back to reality. In her three steps forward, she was caught by him.

His feelings were still pure confusion to her. Every single moment her hand was in his, she was forced to revel in the sensation, for fear that he would spontaneously take it away at any second. But in this time, she was oddly ignorant of her fears. In the absolute consumption from the moment, she was able to let go of her past, and recognize what a future looks like. There is no name for that moment, where you mature away from some notorious event in your life. She had one then, but it only lasted the night.

She had to tilt her head up to look into his eyes properly. They held that moment, suspended in time for a moment. A slight wind pushed her dress forward against her body, and the leaves on the trees scratched a natural tune above them. He began to turn to step forward, a slight smile pulling at his lips. She bounced to hurry to his side - their height difference caused her to fall behind periodically. He slowed for her, and she watched his expression as they stepped.  She smiled too, and brought his hand to her lips.

it was one of those nights. what nights?

I couldn't answer that, to be honest with you. Though let me just say, that it was one of those nights where I seemed to be the only one awake,

while the rest of the world was asleep. it was one of those nights when I couldn't get a wink of sleep, even after lying down in various comfortable (and uncomfortable) positions in bed. Nothing, not even the sleeping pills could bring me to sleep, no result.

My brain still whirred like an on-machine, my thoughts flashed vividly, with no sign of stopping. I couldn't bear it. I couldn't wipe any of it out of my head.

That pouring Thursday, that face, those words I said (my cruelty) and taunting insults and offenses. 

That morning was covered with a grey skies, I forced myself to enter that house with a blurry memories in my head, to a room filled by those distraught faces.

Right in front of me, a grieving mother wept over a picture of her only one daughter. 

My fingers still shaking, I could feel my heart throbbing and could hear it pulsing in my ears. I couldn't see anything, just darkness. my breathing was heavy and it felt like I had to breath all the way through to my stomach until it inhaled. 

After breaking out in a sweat, I sighed, before I decided to roll over to one side of the bed and push myself up and get up. After staggering out of my room to the bathroom, I flicked the switch. The lights flickered on. That white, sickly, bright light that instantly stung my eyes with was so used to staring into the darkness of the past three or four hours.

But then I saw it ….

Those bruises, morphed into my own form and complexion. Creating me. That was what I was, a bruise, an unwanted part.

There were the times I thought how monsters were underneath my bed, though now I realized, the monster was the one in my reflection staring back at me.